Feel like I am waking up...

Its been almost 2 months and I am feeling so much better.  I still resent the hell of the fact that he is going to walk away with all kinds of money when he has been such a lazy SOB.  BUT, I am so glad I don't have to hear the clomp of his fat footsteps climbing to bed.  So glad I don't have to have him in my bed.  So glad I don't have to eat meals with him.  Watch a movie with him.  Do anything with him.  So so so glad.

I feel lighter.  I feel like I am awakening.  I even feel a tiny bit sexual.  (blush)  That feeling has been deader than a doorknob for years.  But I realize, its just that I don't want to with him.

Wish me luck.... hope I get out of the marriage without losing a whole ton of money.

Starting to come alive

Even with money hassles, I feel so much more alive.  So much better.  This was the best diet ever, I lost 300 pounds.

I've been so unhappy for so long.  I am finally starting to awaken.  Its miserable to live with someone you hate.  Someone who doesn't bathe regularly.  Someone who is rough with you and doesn't make you feel good.  Someone who is always putting you down.  Someone who does not appreciate you and what you do.  Someone who is insensitive and thoughtless.  Someone who is cruel.  Someone who smells bad as they lay there.  Someone who makes your skin crawl when they touch you.  Someone who makes you actually vomit after having sex with them.

The freedom from being away from that is worth a lot.  Worth so much.  I deserve more.  So much better to be alone and without him (he who shall not be named)

I am worth something.  I am a good person.  I am worthy.  I should be loved and respected.  I am worth something.  I am worth a lot.  I deserve to be happy.  I do not need a "man" so badly that I settle.  I am WORTHY.  I am G-d's creation and he loves me and wants me to be happy too.

Who I am and where I am at----

I live in the state of Maryland.  So far I have found out that in my state, my LAZY underemployed husband (who did NOT do housework, childcare or dinners or even yardwork) is entitled to my retirement-- and can even get his original down payment on our first house back.  EECKKKK

That just can't be right.  Apparently because the money can be "traced" he can get back the deposit.  What happened to the idea of marital property?  In this case, since I am the big wage earner (which is sad because I work for the government and do not make that much money).  So whats mine is his and whats his is his.  How can this be?

I am willing to use advice from other attorneys and go all the way to the Maryland supreme court if I have to.  How is fair that the lazy SOB can get his hands on my retirement?  I asked him to work more, but he wouldn't.  He was tired.  So he would hire others to do what he should have been doing.  He expected me to take care of him.

And why would I want to take care of him and stay with him?  He was usually unbathed and stinky, and went out every night to go play bridge.  Hugely overweight and not thoughtful or kind in bed. Arrogant and not nice to my daughter from another marriage.  Didn't spend much time with our son.  Very critical of me.  Telling me I didn't spend enough time with our son (as if he did).  Complaining that my mother was over to much.   And for treating me that way for 15  years, here is a bonus parting gift for you......I get to give him all sorts of money.  And forever too.  OMG.

Is it wrong to be praying that he has a heart attack or stroke or something and dies?  Dont tell me it is wrong, I so want him to die.  He is fat and out of shape-- much younger guys in better shape have died-- yet this one goes on and on............

If my wish came true, I would be a happy widow.  (OK, so that sounds terrible, but I am really ticked off)